Yes, American football is the best of all sports. Obviously. Because they have helmets. It's the only major sport where every score AND game matters a lot.
In college football, they even have fight songs and funny customs like little ponies leading wagons on the field after scores.
And no other sport quite invites us into the flawed-head of the coach. You get to estimate the intentional strategies of each play on your own, then see how it plays out. And then yell at the coach when they make bad mistakes.
Football, despite what the Brits say, is the best sport specifically because coaches can be such IDIOTS.
Super Bowl 52 is this Sunday (4 Feb 2018).
It'll be a horrible game.
But you (yes, you) should watch it solely to hate it. Just like you watch and yell at the screen during The Voice or new episodes of Nashville.
WHY #HATEWATCH THE SUPER BOWL?
For starters, the Super Bowl is a commercialized mess in a league run by Republicans who REQUIRE (mostly black) athletes to begin their workday by doing what no one else in the country has to do before they begin their job: stand and listen to the national anthem.
No one else has to make that choice. Players didn’t ask for that. And they absolutely should kneel if they want and not be called “sons of bitches” by a president who lost a popular election by three million votes.
(Also, college football is SOOOO much better. But I’ll save that story.)
HOW TO #HATEWATCH THE SUPER BOWL IN THREE EASY STEPS:
First, re-watch the HOBBIT.
The Hobbit was a single book, but greedy Hollywood types decided to cash in on the "Lord of the Rings" craze and make the book a TRILOGY of movies. The movies were all awful. Special effects were half-hearted, and no matter what the “good guys” did, the bad guys kept winning.
In the last installment, we’re led on some long goose chase for an item that does nothing to do to advance the story or beat the baddies. Instead — and for no apparent reason — GIANT EAGLES suddenly came to the rescue. They soar down and kill all those who needed to be killed. Instead of taking the bad ring to Mordor to pre-empt the Lord of the Rings storyline, they just fly away. As if nothing happened at all.
Re-watch this horrible trilogy because the announcers won’t — but SHOULD — refer to it.
This is because the Patriots of New England are the most hated sports team in the USA.
It’s not because they cashed in the one-time best helmet in the NFL for the worst helmet in the NFL. It’s not because their quarterback — who once put a sexy MAGA cap in his locker — will win his 17th Super Bowl ring by at least 32 points. It’s not because he, and they, cheated and GOT CAUGHT a couple years ago. It’s not because their owner — who wears those obnoxious Michael Douglas light-blue Oxfords with all-white collars — gave ONE MILLION DOLLARS for Trump’s inauguration. It’s not because...
Wait, actually it's exactly because of these reasons that the Patriots are so universally HATED.
These Patriots, with their bad helmets and deplorable background, will play and win. But, you know what? The Philadelphia team is made of EAGLES.
And EAGLES saved the Middle Earth in the horrible HOBBIT films, so maybe EAGLES can stop America’s most hated team.
(Spoiler: they will not.)
#HATEWATCH BY BAD-MOUTHING THE ADS
A certain clarity comes about the world when hundreds of thousands of people, who don’t like football at all, will watch this Sunday and comment on ads designed to sell us things we don’t want or need.
The following will occur:
- These hundreds of thousands of people will talk during the game itself, then stop to watch the ads.
- They will love the ads.
- They will talk about it in social media.
- They will forward and “like” memes made of these bad ads.
- They will read descriptions of the ads on Monday when they don’t have to stand and listen to the national anthem before their workday begins.
THEY DO THIS BECAUSE WE ARE ALL TOLD TO DO THIS.
So DON’T DO THIS.
The AA Jaggers beg you to hate-watch them instead.
#HATEWATCH BY IGNORING THE HALFTIME SHOW
Justin Timberlake has a new album called THE MAN OF THE WOODS that plays between country and dance-pop themes. It’s also called THE MAN OF THE WOODS and Justin Timberlake, who once was in a boy band, is most certainly not a man of the woods.
The last time JT was at a Super Bowl he ripped open Janet Jackson’s top baring a ringed nipple for the world to see. Jackson became an outcast. JT got invited back to the Super Bowl again.
Maybe he’ll make a smirking reminder to that fateful performance, when not trying to promote a weird new album.
I won’t know. I’ll be watching JANET JACKSON videos on YouTube.
Enjoy your Sunday. Be sure to go to church.